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Lies You Tell Yourself

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TSHIRTS!!!! AAAHHHHH ) As much as I hate to say it, I never ever say "I'm never drinking again," because I always have a good time, even if I wake up feeling like shit every morning. Eminem - Cum on Everybody - great song. 2) I go straight to bed.. then I play chess or words with friends or angry birds or whatever on my phone for about 3 hours every night. Or watch youtube videos. 3) I always think that if I just set my alarm I could wake up and run like in those Nike commercials its HORSESHIT. 4) Snooze button is such a motherfucker. I hate when the snooze button creeps into my dream. I am horrible at time management. I think I can eat breakfast, shower, get dressed and out the door in 6 minutes or less. 6) I'm not scared of the dark. 7) Jacking off is fun. 8) Hahah the Dryer shrunk my pants is the oldest lie in the book. Stop eating milk cartons of goldfish, max. 9) My new look -- man I've been saying that every day since the 7th grade when I dressed like a backstreet boy. 10) Sniff test is such a joke. It's never accurate if anything it's completely misleading because you never smell yourself. 11) I actually AM a great dancer, I don't know what you're talking about. 12) I always say I hate this song and I'm never listening to it again, and then I listen to it 1,000 times straight. Current song: I CAN'T STOP by Flux Pavilion fucking MAGICAL. 13) I've always been late and every time I'm like NEVER again and I hate it but whatever monster. 14) Hahah One more episode. First with dvd and now that Netflix and Hulu and xbox live and shit you can blow through entire seasons of shit. I did game of thrones in 2 weeks and I just watched season 1 episode 1 of breaking bad. I've never seen it so DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME. 15) Astronauts can't be over 6 feet tall and models can't be under 7 feet tall. 16) Guys watch sports and think "I could do that" just like they read batman and think "if I was a billionaire I could do that." 17) I always google the manual and if that doesn't work I bing it. 18) Haha so many LeBron James haters wouldn't do shit if they were right next to him. Same with James Bond. 19) I would die SO fast on a desert island. No fire no cell no mcdonalds are you KIDDING ME. 20) I want every piece of exercise equipment and dvd in my living room right now BOW FLEX MOTHERFUCKER. 21) I don't even like cookies. Well, that much 22) Putting away groceries, laundry, stirring, whatever. If you swear and sweat, it counts as exercise. 23) Home Alone. 24) Good Calories -- haha that shit don't make any sense to me atkins. 25) I'm going to get a huge tattoo across my chest I Just need to figure out the design. Maybe tribal? Or a Harvard Crimson logo like Peter Fox did in Fox Trot. Look it up. 26) People think avocado means healthy which is tricky because in California every fucking thing has avocado on it. but Diet starts tomorrow. 27) Doctor, Dentist, WebMD... I just need somebody to help me spell syphilis. 28) I thought I could cram textbooks of knowledge into my brain in 18 hours or less. I was wrong. COLLEGE 29) When I need to write something down I feel like Memento looking for a pen because I'm going to forget it lumosity memory exercises or no. 30) You're clearly bipolar. I took psychology in college, so I know 31) I would hate to be a millionaire. 32) Deals and online shopping and coupons and amazon and 60% off.. that shit fools me every time. 33) Last cigarette EVER only heard that 400 times. 34) I'm just not drunk because I've only been drinking light beers. 35) If I just ignore this parking ticket I won't ever get the boot. 36) Fucking Red Sox 37) You can't let a fart out slowly. You gotta just blow. THATS WHAT SHE SAID

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